Tonight I've lost a member from my family. The man who used to trick me and take candies out of my ears. That guy, with his incredible white hair, white mustachio and cheeky smile is gone from this physical world. He showed me what protection, authority and being right means, we were never friends but he was a wise man with unconditional love and enthusiasm.
As a young teenager I couldn't understand many of his reactions, points of view and values. As an adult, from the distance, I faced seeing him changing into a completely different human due his alzheimer. He lost weight, changed his smile and stopped seeing us as his family. Another human was around us.
A little while ago, when I went back home, I've visited another incredible woman and I saw her in the middle of her storm that was also affecting my mum, auntie, dad and other members from my tribe. Things were too overwhelming and it looked like everyone forgot how to be friends. Couple of months after she left, the end was way too real and painful. There were no 'us' at this time, we were too disaggregated focusing in what make us different.
I was not there when she passed away.
I did not give any support
I was too busy suffering from my own harvesting.
Oh Fuck, I'm angry.
I've been playing around like a mellow, pseudo hippie dude traveling the world living in another country while my family disappears from this physical world.
Too busy without any root
focusing my energy to the wrong people
waiting for the wrong reasons.
The illusion of being lighthearted and emotional just makes more selfish everyday. I devoted my time in wrong episodes and I've ended up extremely sad trying to move myself away of disgusting muddy scenarios too many times.
My only strength is to smile, to be playful, trust in everyone and shine. I haven't learn how to be strong. I'm too weak and sensitive to deal with the real shit.
I have sorrow. I need a shared silence and unconditional support. Perhaps my family, perhaps stop complaining this bad, raw and shameful perception of reality and act like any other adult with a strong shield.
I would like to see my family right now, cry, speak on my mother tongue for and trade my wings for some thicker roots.