It's been 3 years and two months since:
- I left my country
- Learnt a new language to survive, love and share
- Worked in all sort of things: Pruning vineyards, Supermarket, Recycling centres, waitering, housekeeping, gardener, etc
- Visited other countries like Brazil, Argentina, Uruguay, Vanuatu and Samoa
- Learnt how to drive.
- Learnt how to play other new instruments.
- Learnt more about my profession by starting a whole web environment in a creative studio.
- Decide to be an immigrant instead a traveler
These things are now part of my basement, they go within my breathing, my most instinctive thoughts and moods. However, I am angry at myself and everything that is around me. Reason why I stopped writing and started doing other thing to release my pain like
- Running
- Watercolour painting
- Hiking
- Cycling
- Trying to be part of a rescue team,
- Playing music in public places
- Performing with the two bands I am part of
It's fucking really hard to express my feelings by thinking in two different languages. Most of the things I do are often in such a slow speed. I can't think as quickly as I want. I can't react as quickly as I want and therefore I do mistakes.
I have to say that I have no problems at all rather than my loneliness. The list above highlights from my most personal (non-shareable) activities to things I do to get in touch with other people.
Couple a days ago I went to a retirement village to play my hang drum to seriously really old people, and the experience was beautiful, scary, weird, sad and overwhelming. Going through the corridor and seeing in between each doors was a big journey. Some of the room were empty, some other with people trying achieve a dead simple task and others with people just watching TV. Before start talking about the good conditions, the fact that they have soft drinks, wine, a good size bed and everything I want to talk about the other half that is also important: Dead.
Yes, why the fucking hell we make our life so unfair and hard. I felt so wrong seeing everyone in their room, alone, with a fucking television as feedback from an outside world. We have been created inside a woman's belly, we feed ourselves from breast feeding and we learn how to talk, laugh, observe and build shit by imitating each other. If in every single important moment of our life we are connected to other humans within a system, why do we ever end up like this? Don't say that we all die alone because that is another topic.
Every single wall with its thickness, every curtain hiding the wind from outside and every television with its noise made me feel disappointed and more lonely that I am.
After finishing walking through the corridor, all in not more than 5 seconds because I was rushing to get to the main room to play I sat, I played djembe for a little bit and then I unpacked my hangdrum.
I played for about 15 minutes. I felt how relaxed people were. how grateful everyone was and felt love from those old shaky and shivering smiles. Some of them fell asleep, some others tried to make jokes about it showing their inner spontaneous personality. Some people smiled at me and clap their hands and some other asked me a million questions.
I felt useful, grateful and happy enough for being part from a little moment on their life. No one was the champion, no one was particularly the best, it was not a competition, nor a race. It was pure synchrony, like the moment when we understand big ideas with just a few words. After looking at everyones eyes I left the room with my head full of happiness, questions, inner smiles and complex emotions.
So here we have the two sides of the coin, this 20 minutes stories lasted on my body, memory, back, arms and therefore mind for a undefined amount of time.
And this is how I have been dealing with my loneliness. By trying serving other people with music, food or by listening them I feel away of anger.
Often I visit people without notice so I visited my friend from the Netherlands, a 70 something years old woman who owns a craft shops and the conversation was something like this:
- Oh hello Miguel, how are you? did you find a girlfriend yet?
- Hello Emma!, No I haven't, how are you? Your shop is looking beautiful.
- Thank you, oh well, it will come one day. It's very hard to be out of your country.
From this point she started a conversation about her life:
- I left my country at the age of 18 and I had nothing here in New Zealand. I came with my sister and left everything behind. I have 7 other brothers, plus cousins and a big family.
- I thought you came with your husband. I replied.
- Oh yes, he was my boyfriend by then, but he came months later. It's hard when you are far away from your family. But now I am a root, I have children, grand children, and great grand children!. Now I have it all.
I have nothing to say at that moment. I just kept looking at her eyes and I smile. Every movement from her face was telling me a little bit more form her history. Every blink was probably a memory from a long adventure. She finished with nice words, some cheers to my family and a big hug.
Well, this with what I am doing now. Getting used to a new language and place. Learning shit that never thought that was going to happen to me. Getting used to the decision for being an immigrant instead of a traveler. Feeling naturally happy when I can serve and learn from others and feeling naturally angry and disappointed when I don't have the people I love.
Accepting that I am not happy with my life right now is helping me to understand things that are making me happy in my journey.
I am lucky and strong enough to choose the people I want to share with, the things I am adding to my live my life in the meantime and the things I want to change in the future.
The impact for being rejected, replaced and alone so quick, it's something I don't want anybody else to feel. I do not want to die in a retirement village finishing my days watching televisions, writing a blog, being alone and think what I think right now. I want to keep on growing my strengths to grow a family, friendship, culture and my skills to server others. Because I can't be happy if I am not reflecting my inner light in the other people.
Well, this is just my english-self. a 3 years and 2 months self that never ever visited these dimensions before. I am not looking at any approval, that's boring. I actually find some expressions like 'good on you', 'good for you', 'I'm happy for you', 'it's something you need to do' very basic and patronising. I am looking for more words to hear, more games to play, more silences to share, more hard-work to do.
Yes, why the fucking hell we make our life so unfair and hard. I felt so wrong seeing everyone in their room, alone, with a fucking television as feedback from an outside world. We have been created inside a woman's belly, we feed ourselves from breast feeding and we learn how to talk, laugh, observe and build shit by imitating each other. If in every single important moment of our life we are connected to other humans within a system, why do we ever end up like this? Don't say that we all die alone because that is another topic.
Every single wall with its thickness, every curtain hiding the wind from outside and every television with its noise made me feel disappointed and more lonely that I am.
After finishing walking through the corridor, all in not more than 5 seconds because I was rushing to get to the main room to play I sat, I played djembe for a little bit and then I unpacked my hangdrum.
I played for about 15 minutes. I felt how relaxed people were. how grateful everyone was and felt love from those old shaky and shivering smiles. Some of them fell asleep, some others tried to make jokes about it showing their inner spontaneous personality. Some people smiled at me and clap their hands and some other asked me a million questions.
I felt useful, grateful and happy enough for being part from a little moment on their life. No one was the champion, no one was particularly the best, it was not a competition, nor a race. It was pure synchrony, like the moment when we understand big ideas with just a few words. After looking at everyones eyes I left the room with my head full of happiness, questions, inner smiles and complex emotions.
So here we have the two sides of the coin, this 20 minutes stories lasted on my body, memory, back, arms and therefore mind for a undefined amount of time.
And this is how I have been dealing with my loneliness. By trying serving other people with music, food or by listening them I feel away of anger.
Often I visit people without notice so I visited my friend from the Netherlands, a 70 something years old woman who owns a craft shops and the conversation was something like this:
- Oh hello Miguel, how are you? did you find a girlfriend yet?
- Hello Emma!, No I haven't, how are you? Your shop is looking beautiful.
- Thank you, oh well, it will come one day. It's very hard to be out of your country.
From this point she started a conversation about her life:
- I left my country at the age of 18 and I had nothing here in New Zealand. I came with my sister and left everything behind. I have 7 other brothers, plus cousins and a big family.
- I thought you came with your husband. I replied.
- Oh yes, he was my boyfriend by then, but he came months later. It's hard when you are far away from your family. But now I am a root, I have children, grand children, and great grand children!. Now I have it all.
I have nothing to say at that moment. I just kept looking at her eyes and I smile. Every movement from her face was telling me a little bit more form her history. Every blink was probably a memory from a long adventure. She finished with nice words, some cheers to my family and a big hug.
Well, this with what I am doing now. Getting used to a new language and place. Learning shit that never thought that was going to happen to me. Getting used to the decision for being an immigrant instead of a traveler. Feeling naturally happy when I can serve and learn from others and feeling naturally angry and disappointed when I don't have the people I love.
Accepting that I am not happy with my life right now is helping me to understand things that are making me happy in my journey.
I am lucky and strong enough to choose the people I want to share with, the things I am adding to my live my life in the meantime and the things I want to change in the future.
The impact for being rejected, replaced and alone so quick, it's something I don't want anybody else to feel. I do not want to die in a retirement village finishing my days watching televisions, writing a blog, being alone and think what I think right now. I want to keep on growing my strengths to grow a family, friendship, culture and my skills to server others. Because I can't be happy if I am not reflecting my inner light in the other people.
Well, this is just my english-self. a 3 years and 2 months self that never ever visited these dimensions before. I am not looking at any approval, that's boring. I actually find some expressions like 'good on you', 'good for you', 'I'm happy for you', 'it's something you need to do' very basic and patronising. I am looking for more words to hear, more games to play, more silences to share, more hard-work to do.
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